Archive for relationships
well-rounded…
I’m currently coaching some friends through their StrengthsFinder® talent themes. It’s fun and interesting to learn about how others see themselves, watching those ah-hah moments take place as someone gains a bit more perspective toward their own self-awareness - something of which few people actually possess.
Today during one of my coaching sessions, I was reminded of something I heard a few weeks ago while at a training seminar concerning our pursuit of becoming the “well-rounded” person. It seems whenever I come across someone who seems to have talent after talent after talent, I find myself quite intimidated, and perhaps even frustrated with myself that I haven’t been able to learn as much, acquire as many skills, retain as much knowledge as the other person.
So what do we do when we find ourselves trying to measure up to the next person? We try to learn more stuff so that we can become well-rounded.
Here’s what I think being well-rounded really means for most of us…it means that I want to be independent, that I don’t want to depend on anyone, need anyone. I want to have it all together (or at least perceived that way). The total-package. A real man or real woman. Well-rounded.
Here’s what I think being well-rounded equates to…shallowness, loneliness, emptiness.
I love how Curt Liesveld of Gallup put this a few weeks ago. When you visualize well-rounded, you might think of it as a circle. When it comes to the individual, the contents is what you end up getting. A big “zero.” Empty. Shallow.
To think of being well-rounded in terms of community seems to make more sense to me. I’ve got talents. You’ve got talents. I’ve also got weaknesses, and you’ve got weaknesses. Therefore, our goal is essentially not to become well-rounded individuals; instead, our goal is to become a well-rounded community - a group of people who are depending on one another out of their strengths and weaknesses. A group of people who look to one-another (out of their own self-awareness) with appreciation for what the other has to offer. A network of relationships where “I need you” is a predominant part of the language.
Our goal at Awaken, my goal in relationship with each of you is for us together to become well-rounded - not as individuals, but as a community. And as we do so, we recognize the wholeness Jesus brings to each of us through His Body, the Church.
loving for beauty…
A few days ago, I had the privilege of attending and conference called The Strengths Summit in Asheboro, NC, presented by the Gallup Research Group.. It was a two-day conference centered around helping people discover their natural strengths, talents and abilities and ways the church can serve as a catalyst for helping people live more self-aware and more comfortable in their own skin as they grow to see their true uniqueness.
While there, we were asked to personally look at our top strengths (according to the StrengthsFinder assessment) and underline in the descriptions the things about those strengths we actually believed were true.
It’s easier to focus on what’s not true, isn’t it? As I continue to learn more about this, it’s been interesting to see how certain strengths I have are much more easily identified and affirmed by others than they would be with me.
Which brings me to a huge point in this thought…that you can learn things about yourself that if you don’t have people in your life to affirm those things and literally love those things into you, it will eventually make no difference. Chew on that.
This has caused me to think of it this way: Have you ever given someone a compliment, but it’s almost like they refuse to believe it? Is it difficult for you to accept compliments?
Earlier in our marriage, I remember Molly and I having a conversation while we were driving about our identities, things we were learning about ourselves and some of the things that had served to shape us for good and for worse. I remember being frustrated around that time - all the way back to when we were first dating - when every time I’d tell Molly how beautiful I thought she was, it was almost like she didn’t want to hear it. (By the way, I did get permission from her to share this) I also know there have been many times when Molly has tried to affirm something in me that I’ve refused to accept. Things like: you’re a great man, to which my response would be, yeah, right.
This brings me to this thought: What does it mean for someone to love you into your future, to love you into your true self? Theologians have called this escatalogical realism, a term meaning to be loved into your future. It’s the idea of having someone in your life who isn’t simply loving you based on the person you are presently, but instead, based on the person you’ve yet to become. Simply put, it’s a way of loving that makes someone better. It’s a way of loving that sees the potential in the other person and chooses to love them into the person they’ve yet to become or only dreamed of becoming. It’s not loving with a selfish agenda, making the other person into what you want them to be (that’s what some people would call tough love; a way of coercing someone to become what you want them to become) ; it’s a love that recognizes the uniqueness of God in the other and chooses to love in such a way that it’s drawn out. It’s selfless. It takes time, energy and focus to see. That’s escatalogical realism. And if you know anything about God’s love (agape - a Greek term for God’s unconditional, unmerited love), there’s quite a similarity.
Something I’m coming to love even more about Easter is that it’s such a tremendous reminder of what this kind of loving truly looks like. It’s a picture of Jesus seeing our future and the person we’ve yet to become, setting His face resolutely toward Jerusalem and a Cross, laying down His life - all out of a love that desires to make us beautiful. It’s Jesus’ willingness to take the filth of our sin upon Himself, leading to an offer for us to exchange our filth for beauty - all out of an extravagant love that simply wants to make us better than from where it first found us.
To borrow something I heard again this week, we are all people who live out of our identities; the problem is, most of us have yet to accept who we truly are. The truth is, no matter how you see yourself, the Cross is God’s way of loving us into who we were truly meant to become.
This way of loving has caused me to change how I pray for my family, friends and the people around me daily. Every week, I ask the Originator of this way of loving to help me love Molly and Julia in such a way that I make them beautiful. I ask the Father to help me love the people around me in such a way that I’m making them better.
I’m simply trying to learn what it means to love someone into their future…
Just a side-note: 8 out of 10 Americans are focused more on improving their weaknesses than improving their strengths. Contrary to popular belief, we have more growth potential in our strengths than our weaknesses. What that means it that you’re much better off learning to love the person you are than trying to become someone else. In addition, most people go to their graves having no real clue as to who they are. There’s a difference between humility (having a healthy, balanced understanding of who you are) and false humility (ie: “I’m nothing special”). If you want to learn more, I encourage you to catch our next Core/Partnership Meeting at Awaken, Sunday April 6th following worship. A huge part of the vision, not only for Awaken Church, but also for me personally is to see people come fully alive spiritually as they discover the true value in themselves…one that God sees, causing Him to love us in such a way that it’s drawn out.
Pacifiers
Tuesday marked a first for me – the first full day I was responsible for Julia on my own. And I have to say I was pretty excited about the opportunity. Molly had jury-duty all day and had left me very clear and precise instructions on Julia’s daily routine, along with supplies for meals and tips on what to do just in case things happened to go ‘south’ on me. Not to ruin the ending, but we had a great day together with no major disasters to report of. The day was topped of with Julia looking at me with a big smile on her face just before she went to bed as if to say, “Thank you for taking care of me today, Daddy!”
Now, I’ll have to admit that one of the most difficult adjustments so far in parenting has had to do with the amount of ‘personal’ time I’ve had (or no longer have) in the course of a day…the consistency of my daily routine…time to do things that I want to do or things that need to be done. Sitting with Julia in the living-room mid-morning between a nap and lunch, I had a few different things going on: Julia wide-awake with me on her play mat, a variety of toys in the floor used to entertain her, and my laptop so that I could (of course) do some work in the process. Multitasking…you know…that thing that some of us pretend we’re so good at so for the purpose of getting more and more things accomplished in a day…
Anyway, during this particular sitting with Julia, I kept noticing that every time I’d turn my attention to the computer for a few moments, she’d begin to get a little fussy and whiney. (Don’t get me wrong here, it’s not like we sit in front of Julia all day trying to entertain her to keep her from crying…hopefully you know what I mean here…) So I did what I often do at such moments – I reached for the pacifier (which, by the way, is a proven life-saver and calming-tool we often turn to in the Shelton household). But after a few more minutes, Julia had spit ‘paci’ out of her mouth and was back to her wimpering. So I hit the save button, and returned my attention toward her. Immediately she’d start smiling and cooing again. Once I thought I had her calmed and in a better mood, I reached for ‘paci’ once again. Same result as before…crying and whining. I finally realized I had to close my laptop and focus on her for a little while. Multitasking wasn’t working here…and neither was ‘paci.’ I had to give her my full attention. What an inconvenience…
Hang on to that thought for a moment.
I’ve been thinking about this over the past couple of days and how I’m (and perhaps we’re…) so guilty of reaching for a pacifier to put in someone’s mouth when they bring their problems, cares, burdens and hurts to us…especially when they come at inconvenient moments in our lives. We’ve all had days when we’ve felt like I’ve got enough problems of my own, and the last thing I need is yours. Sound familiar? Perhaps you know what it’s like for someone to pacify you. Pacifiers come in a variety of different ways, don’t they: Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ll be thinking of you. I wish I could help, but… I’ll/We’ll be praying for you. Hmmm. Etc. And just like with children sometimes, we love to put ‘pacifiers’ in other’s mouths so that we can move on with our lives and focus on the things we want to/need to, rather than giving that person perhaps what they need most…our time, our focus, our hearts. How inconvenient…
Paul’s letter to the Galatians includes the words, Bear/Carry each other’s burdens, and as we do, we’re told that we’re actually fulfilling the law of Christ. Law? What law? Think back to Jesus’ words in John 13 where He says, A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you… When you think of Jesus’ life, it was filled with interruptions, inconvenient moments (like in Mark 6 when Jesus and the disciples are trying to get away to a quiet place…read the story in v.30-44 to see what happened)…moments where Jesus figuratively had to close the laptop and focus on the people who needed him. You don’t see Jesus using a pacifier with people so that He can move on with His business. He always has time, He always loves, and He encourages us into the same Way.
Consider your pacifiers today…
relational motive
what’s your relational motive?
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about the importance of extending ourselves relationally into the lives of people we’re trying to reach with the love of God. Our conversation has caused me to rethink and clarify why it is we stress this idea of ‘relational community’ when it comes to our church and our understanding of the Way of Jesus and the Kingdom of God. In our gatherings, we talk a lot about genuine and authentic relationships (with God and people), and one of the most effective and practical ways we find ourselves growing relationally with others is by giving away our most valuable resource…our time. It’s valuable because you can never get it back. Once you’ve given it away, it’s gone. And we all know there’s very little of it - it seems - available in our lives (which probably explains why we are so prone to become so selfish with our own time; ie: “I just need some time for myself.”).
This past weekend, our core team chatted about ideas and some fresh ways we can continue to advance our vision and build relationships with new people by showing them that we genuinely care…not by simply inviting them into our own world, but by being willing to step into their world - at the expense of our own time. As one author so well put it, ‘people don’t care how much you know until they know that you care.’ That is the essence of what it means to give ourselves away relationally. If we’re not willing to give away the greatest resource that God has given us, how can the world around us truly know that we care…and ultimately through us that God cares? This may even raise the question that one of my friends asked his friend recently; “are you in love with Jesus?” and ‘what does your time say to back it up?’ Tough questions.
Back to my conversation with my friend: He posed the question, “do we find ourselves spending so much time with others for the sheer purpose of one day having the opportunity to share with them how they can become like us by believing like us, or do we do so simply because we love them.” As my friend Larry put it this morning, “would you still spend time with me, would you still be my friend if I never believed like you?” The issue here has to do with agenda, and whether or not we’re trying to conform someone or see someone transformed through relationship. This raises another tough question for the follower of Jesus; “are we giving ourselves away relationally for the ultimate purpose of seeing someone believe like us, or are we giving ourselves away relationally our of love for that person? Do our relationships have ultimate agendas? Are we more focused on the ‘bait and switch’ approach that lures people in so that we can ultimately share our beliefs with them?
Let me clarify something before I conclude: I believe it is out of our love and obedience to God that we are compelled to share with others of the hope and the life we have found in Jesus, and ultimately we want everyone we come in contact with to taste and experience what we have found in Him. However, I believe we are being more like Jesus by giving ourselves away relationally out of love rather than giving ourselves away with the agenda of getting something in return (ie: ‘come to church with me,’ ‘believe like I do,’ etc.). Embracing the life of God begins with the understanding that we are always called to give more than we receive because that’s what Jesus shows us through His relationship with us. A love-motivated relationship invites someone to journey with you as you grow deeper in relationship with God…together. And as your journey together, it creates level ground between two disciples who are learning more and more about what it means to follow the Way of Jesus.
There is nothing in life (and in eternity) more important than relationships, and the relationships (however many of them there are) that count the most are the ones we give ourselves away to freely out of a heart of love.
a healing community
What fears are gripping your heart today? Have you ever found yourself ‘running to the hills’ (so to speak), or even pulling away into isolation out of a fear of hurt or rejection from people? Think for a moment about the fears that were gripping the heart of Jesus prior to His suffering on the cross. The fear of torment, accusations, mocking, ridicule…and ultimately rejection; enough to make any of us desire to run. Yet, Jesus faced his fears, and as Scripture tells us, out of the joy that would come of it, He gave Himself away and endured the cross.
Have you ever loved, only to be rejected? Have you ever given, only to be unappreciated? You’re not alone. God knows all about this. I think it’s amazing to consider how even the greatest of love and generosity toward us – expressed in God’s Presence with us through Jesus, and our rescue found in His cross – can be returned with such cruel rejection. Yet, that’s the risk Jesus took, giving us the choice to love Him or reject Him. That’s essentially the risk we all take when it comes to loving and giving in life. Our tendency, when it comes to giving ourselves away in love, is to play it safe, minimize the risk, only go after the battles we’re sure to win, avoiding rejection, and perhaps even people, in the process.
Have you ever thought that your journey with God would find it’s greatest fulfillment if you could only remove the obstacles of people? If you’ve ever had your heart wounded through the rejection of others, you may find yourself tempted to pull away from not only those who have hurt you, but from people in general. I’ve found myself here, and I’ve found myself empty in that place. You see, I think we find ourselves in an extremely dangerous place when we pull away from people, specifically meaningful, authentic relationships where we’re walking with others, learning more about ourselves and what it means to follow the Way of Jesus. Perhaps that’s what’s so dangerous about referring to church as ‘community;’ it involves giving yourself away to others, and sometimes that’s a risk we’re unwilling to take.
A part of the challenge in the journey with God is to never give up on people, because the journey is lived out in the context of relationships. And if we’re ever to find healing from the wounds of rejection, it will only be found when we give ourselves away to a higher purpose than ourselves. Simply put, we get better when we give ourselves away.
Jesus’ joy was knowing that His suffering would bring us life. And by giving Himself away, He has shown us that wholeness and completeness of heart in life is only found when we do the same…and that begins in the context of relationships and ‘community.’
What are your fears when it comes to ‘community?’ Face them, and discover the joy of Jesus in giving yourself away!
home
“They ate till they had more than enough, for He had given them what they craved.” -Psalm 78:29I’ve been so encouraged recently to watch relationships with people in our church community continue to grow and deepen. Last Tuesday evening at our monthly dinner party, the atmosphere seemed to feel a lot like home – where people were laughing, eating and sharing stories together; a place where each person is accepted just as they are and where their words matter. I get excited when I see things like this because I truly believe that finding and experiencing such relationships and community in life is like coming home to a place our hearts are always in desperate search of.
When we set out on this journey several months ago, I can’t tell you how many times I was warned about the difficulties we would face when it came to carrying out our vision…one that emphasizes relationships over programs; one that is driven not by doing church, but by being church. And as we continue to build and deepen our relationships with one another, I see our love growing as we continue to move toward our mission to extend the life and love of Christ to our surrounding community.
So what’s the problem with carrying-out such a vision?
Relationships can be messy sometimes, can’t they? In fact, when it comes to offering a relationship to someone (one that includes your heart and your love), we can easily find ourselves in a dangerous place. Why? As the famous song so appropriately puts it:
Love hurts, love scars, Love wounds, and mars any heart. Not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain. Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain. Love hurts……ooh, ooh love hurts
Once you open yourself to a new relationship, you not only add the opportunity for things like authenticity, honesty, depth, acceptance and love; you also add the opportunity for hurt and betrayal. That’s the danger we face in relationships, in becoming a relational community…and maybe that’s why we sometimes find ourselves running from such things. But to run from something your heart craves (because God created us with a relational-need, to Him and to others) is maddening. It’s simply a risk we MUST take to survive and find satisfaction and fulfillment in life.
Discussing this issue with our Core Team Sunday stirred my heart to keep standing for something I passionately believe in…that relationships are what matter most to God, and though they can be dangerous and difficult to manage at times, there’s nothing our hearts need more than a place where we find ourselves unafraid, where we belong, where we can rest and feel the warmth of the love of God through the love of others.
May Awaken be such a place, where we find home in the unchanging love of God, in the fellowship of walking with Jesus and with friends, and in giving ourselves away freely to our neighbors and God’s mission to bring every heart home to Him.
craving intimacy
Have you ever had an unexplainable loneliness even while standing in the middle of a crowd? I heard a friend say several times recently that he doesn’t need anymore acquaintances in his life, that there is no more room for such relationships. He desires friendships that go much deeper than that, friendships that are authentic, real, transparent, intimate. People who he will be there for, and who, in turn, will be there for him. I agree.
Think about your own life. Who are those ‘deep’ friendships you share, those deeper than merely ‘acquaintances?’ Who are the people in whom you are investing yourself and who are investing themselves in you? Who are the people you are walking with through life, who make you better, who even perhaps sharpen you spiritually?
One evening last week, a group of people I’m beginning to count more and more as my ‘deep’ friends (people who are also in our church community) spent some time together bowling. We had a blast laughing together (and not so much at each other), applauding and giving high-fives, encouraging each other and enjoying the unique personalities each person possesses. It was also a surreal evening as we all watched Molly dominate us on the lanes! I was humbled.
Bowling that evening was one of those moments where things deeper than community are formed. Relationships are deepened and become more intimate. People develop meaningful, more authentic relationships as they share their lives together; relationships that go beyond simply the people you go to church with, to a holistic-level in life. These are the people I’m beginning a new spiritual journey with, the people I’m walking with and sharing my life with. And that’s our vision with Awaken…a community of people in deep relationship, who walk together and who live out the very meaning of koinonia, the Greek term for Christian Fellowship as it should be.
Looking at God’s Word, I’m convinced these types of relationships – ‘deep’ friendships – are what our souls crave. But to have these types of relationships require that we give more of ourselves away, including our hearts and our love…and that can be risky. Yet, that’s how God created us, because the more we love, the more our love expands, the closer it leads us to God.
Is your soul finding satisfaction in your relationships? Who are you walking with? Who can you go deeper with? Listen to your soul…
Chris Shelton resides in Greensboro with his wife, Molly, their daughter, Julia, and Baby #2 due in March...
